A little over three years ago, I wrote letters: a series (to my future love).....Going back and reading that was almost as painful as reading Crime and Punishment for AP Lang. Even so, it provides me with a useful trail of sorts to track where I've gone wrong the past three years, where I've gone right, and how far I've come regardless.
When I wrote that my sophomore year of high school, I had been in one official relationship, a "talking" stage with a boy a year older on the basketball team...he rode the bench all season, and a debilitating six-year crush that started just because he liked reading. That about sums it up. As a sophomore in college now, I can't say much has changed. I've garnered the attention of a few men (who, to their credit, have exquisite taste), but nothing has stuck. Which I can admit I'm a bit disappointed, but ultimately (oddly) okay, with. There is something so great about life–that it lends itself to the potholes in your road and molds itself to the changes you undergo in both personhood and ambition. This is all a very roundabout way of saying that in times I thought I wanted to be in a relationship, life knew something I didn't.
Freshman year, when the dating pool grew bigger than it ever had been in my small hometown, I was so excited. Men who know how to play an instrument and men who know how to cook, men whose lives are a billion times cooler than mine because their family vacations in Florence every summer or their high school had a surf team, men who are intellectual because they listen to podcasts and read for fun (careful, Kate...), men who have a shelf full of sketchbooks back home or write music or started a charity, men who are mature and know what they want, men who are funnier handsomer sexier than any of the guys at home....I hope you're catching on to how ridiculous and funny this was. Anyway, I was quickly disillusioned.
Men are just people. And people are prone to asking for rain checks on plans you'd been looking forward to, taking a little longer to text back than you'd like, not knowing how to tell you what they want to say, changing their mind, falling short of expectations, moving toward a life that looks different from your own. We all do it. But we are also prone to the eye contact that leaves you short of breath, song recommendations that mean they see you in their everyday, a coffee order remembered because someone has taken the time to know and memorize you, a homemade meal cooked just the way they know you like it, an unspoken understanding, a comfortable silence. I think it is so incredible that love alone is enough to transform an ordinary moment into something beautiful and cozy and immune to the clutter. It is a wonderful respite from the deadlines and long days, the weight of expectation and the vastness that can sometimes feel lonely. It is a wonderful reminder that love is what shows us the way forward, that we are far more than the sum of our parts.
As lovely as this sounds, sometimes I find myself on the fence. On the one hand, I want it very much. Growing up frequenting the romance section of the local library, wishing for a young Julia Roberts or Anne Hathaway love story, watching my parents every day. And now, having friends in relationships and imagining doing the things I love doing on my own with someone else. Sharing my moments with someone else, knowing someone wants to hear what makes me tick and what keeps me up at night, what's on my mind and what makes me smile at the end of a long day. On the other hand, it's been a while since I dated. Even longer since I've met someone I'd want to date. I've had many years to figure out what I want and what I deserve and where I am in life. My independence and freedom to operate on my own time are invaluable to me. Being able to answer to myself before anyone else. Knowing myself fully in a way I struggle to believe anyone else could. I'm only 20, and this un/certainty will continue to wax and wane. I plan to take it as it comes (What more can you do?).
So I've been doing exactly that. These past three semesters have been my trial runs for love. It hasn’t been easy. A failed BGR romance (please laugh), a perfect night at Harrison⭐️, a laundry room meet cute, the worst six-month stint of my LIFE this past summer/semester, the gym with guys who think they are too good to wipe down after themselves and who make me listen to their EDM music mid-set, Chipotle and Hala's Grill meals during which the men don't seem to realize it's nice to be asked a question about yourself every once in a while, my first IRL ghosting experience when he realized I meant it when I said I wouldn't hook up with him. Can a girl get some peace and quiet?
I'm a glass-half-full person though, so although these trial runs have not been easy, they've had their moments. A snow day spent with someone who made me feel giddy, a moment of weakness caught on Listening Activity (he was listening to my playlists), coffee on him, "You know I'm crazy about you," my very own homemade omelette (...), study dates (my personal favorite. I have nothing sarcastic to say here), requests for song and book recommendations, a shared earbud, a glance back to see he's waiting until I get in safely to drive away, an escort to class, texts that make me smile more than they should, a compliment on my outfit (you know how much this makes my day), eye contact or a pinky promise or a handshake that lasts longer than it needs to.
So I wouldn't trade my trial runs for anything. As someone once said to me, "The search for Mr. Right prevails"...and prevail it does. But it has gotten me to where I am today and prepared me for whatever trials may lay ahead...for better or worse.
And there have been worse. The double texts and calculated response times (wherein nobody is keeping track except you), the VSCO accounts stalked and discrete photos taken, the trash cans rooted through (........) and strategic study spots scoped out, the eye contact through the mirrors at the Co Rec and the Spotify playlists combed through, the visits paid to Facebook pages of distant relatives and the philanthropy events donated to, the late night scenarios and next mornings feeling half foolish half wistful. The things we do in the name of love.
It can be messy and hard work. We sometimes outgrow it and sometimes we suffer because of it. We lose our footing and sometimes our sense of self.
Despite this, though, love is actually the easiest thing to root for. No matter who or where or why, it's a safe bet betting on love. One roommate coming home from a date and the other two of us racing to the door to ask her how it went. My sister telling me about her first college crush. My boys who remind me how fun and amazing and messy and easy love is. My parents, who are everything I want for myself some day. My dad, who worships my mom and holds the flashlight for her when she waters the garden at night and orders her drink while she's in the restroom because he already knows what she wants. My mom, who sets aside separate lox because he doesn't like cream cheese and converted him to a cat person and lights up my dad's life in a way that puts the sun to shame.
This is how love is supposed to be. Love is supposed to fill you to the brim but also be something you need to find on your own. It's supposed to make the Mondays feel like Fridays and the people in your life feel like home. It's supposed to meet you exactly where you are but also show you there's always room to grow. It's supposed to be the silver lining, the plot twist, the grand finale, and every seemingly insignificant moment in between. It's supposed to be what makes us feel blown wide open but also what makes us feel most alive.
Love is in a sunset as much as in the eyes of someone who cares deeply for you. It is someone noticing when you trade out your regular pair of earrings for a different set. Actively listening as you talk about something important (even if it's boring) or funny (even if you don't tell it right). Entertaining you as you recount last night's dream. Telling you when you have something in your teeth. Putting the coffee on the night before so it's ready in the morning. Scratching the itch on your back you can't quite reach. Putting the volume to 20 instead of 21 because they know you need it even-numbered. Taking the chair so you can have the booth side. Knowing with just a glance. Passing time doing little else than enjoying the other's company. Stumbling upon a new inside joke. Coming home to the best part of your day. You'll find, as Hugh Grant said, that love actually is all around.
I wish I could tell my 16-year old self all of this as she was writing that old blog post. Knowing what I know now–that liking guys who were never worth a minute of my time but also finding ones I wouldn't change anything with, putting myself out there (embarrassing myself only on occasion), indulging in the romance novels and fantasies–I would tell her to do it all the exact same. A little bit of heartache is a small price to pay in the grand scheme of things. It means it meant something to you. That you did something for yourself.
Even if you are celebrating Valentine's Day single this year, still do something for yourself. Buy yourself flowers. Throw on something that makes you feel confident and sexy. Make a new playlist. Rewatch How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days. Go out to dinner with your other single friends. Text the person on your mind. And be happy for yourself. That you are in this phase of your life, no matter how you got here.
Love is not restricted to romance. Far from it, in fact. It's having friends who make you laugh 'til it hurts, who show up at your door unannounced and who notice when you’re having an off day. A coffee order made just right. Waking up early enough to catch the sunrise. Finding a song that feels like it was written for you. Watering your plants. Sitting around a campfire. A stranger excited to let you pet their dog. Windows open on a warm day. A meal you made for yourself that you're proud of. Your roommate humming in the shower. Steam curling off a freshly-brewed cup of tea. Birdsong outside your window as the weather begins to warm. Two people walking away from each other smiling. Third wheeling a couple you love dearly (hear me out..). Someone excited to talk about something they love. Your dad texting you a photo of your cats back home. Sunshine on the walk to class. A photo that gets as close as photos can get to capturing a perfect moment.
Love is universal and fundamentally good and the best thing we've got going for us. And far too much to fit into a blog post. So I asked you to help me. Here's what you had to say about romance, relationships, dating, and love.
❧
My roommate recently went on a first and second date and we are always running out of our rooms the second she walks through the door. We eagerly ask, “did he kiss you!!?” She never fails to respond with, “not yet.” Being so excited for her first kiss with him made me reminisce on mine with my most recent relationship. Ours was quick, gentle, and innocent...It was my favorite first kiss of many. That kiss led me down a road of playfulness, partnership, love, safety, and heartbreak. I’d go back and do it all again. Without that first kiss I never would’ve learned how deeply I could love someone else & then have to pour it all into myself.
my parents
Love is coming home and have your dogs run towards you to greet you.
Over a year ago, I met this guy who I was absolutely head over heels for but it ended up being awfully wrong timing for both of us. We didn’t talk for a really long time, and finally reconnected recently and literally just yesterday, he ended up coming over for a movie night and gave me a kiss goodnight before he left and it left me absolutely speechless. AND right before he kissed me he said “You don’t know how long I’ve been waiting to get to do this.” Cheesy I know, but I loved it. I was sitting in my room just smiling non-stop for about an hour after it happened. Not sure where it’s going from here, but we’ll see. Everything seems to happen for a reason.
I made out with a girl at Windsor and it was horrible. Her mouth was perpetually open the whole time and I was choking on her tongue.
I feel so loved and warm inside when I remember that my dad would always show up to my games in high school regardless of if I played or not or if it was boring to watch - he would always be there.
Best dating advice: date your friend & skip the talking stage. College is full of non-committal people wanting to hook up being mixed in with people actually wanting a relationship, so it’s super hard to find someone who has clear intentions. Love finds you, you shouldn’t go chasing.
remembering the way it feels when they smile at you or talk about what they love, remembering the little flirty comments you shared back and forth, thinking about what they taught you instead of what you lost when they left, rebuilding a friendship when you value that over what could have been...smiling at your phone, how it feels realizing you have a crush, fantasizing about the day when celebrating Valentine’s Day is everything you’ve ever wanted with the type of person you’ve been dreaming of and praying for.
My current boyfriend is the only boy I’ve ever been with that I’ve ever actually felt loved by. He loves me on my best and worst days. Sometimes I worry he loves me more than I love him but I think we each love in different ways. He’s smart, handsome, and so so kind. He’s my best friend. On the absolute opposite side of the spectrum were the guys that came before meeting him. Two in particular come to mind because I can’t really decide which one is worse but I’m sure they’d probably get along...Anyways, moral of the story is I have the worst taste in men 90% of the time but somehow I was able to find my person. Happy Valentine's Day and please don’t settle...because there is someone out there who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated.
I always feel super connected to girls when I’m driving them around and they wrap themselves around my arm.
I hate to admit to being a serial dater…… but I am lowkey a serial dater. After one situation fails, another one is always there to back me up. It’s a cycle of constant validation from mediocre men who I have no business even being associated with. I’m happy to say that this Valentine’s Day, being single has never felt better. Well…. It’s official… I am now licensed! As a registered relationship hater. So maybe it’s just me, but spending Valentine’s Day having high expectations from a m*n just to be disappointed doesn’t sound very fun. I’m excited to enjoy my Galentine’s Day, and I mean it this year. Friendship has never meant more to me than it does right now, and I am extremely grateful for all my friends and loved ones. They have made life worth living again. I’m still gonna eat up Valentine’s Day, but this time for my friends who are now in lovely relationships — I couldn’t be happier for them (but I’ll say I told you so when yalls boyfriends take you to mad mush for Valentine's dinner).
My roommates boyfriend bringing her flowers when she’s having a bad day (makes me want to scream/cry but also makes me so happy at the same time).
i broke my pinky making love in my building's laundry room at 3 am.
There’s a song called "The Former" by Steinza and there’s a lyric in the chorus: “I’m stuck on the former, you’re stuck on the fence”...It’s a bit of a sad take but it makes me think of two people who are so deeply intertwined who maybe shouldn’t be intertwined anymore, but can’t seem to break out of it for their own individual reasons. Don’t know if this was really what you were looking for on a blog post about romance but you mentioned song lyrics and this one just sticks with me.
Everywhere, Everything by Noah Kahan is so disgustingly cute and it’s how I want to be loved.
Although I notoriously end up single on Valentine’s Day, I try to see it as a time to show a little love to the ones who need it most...While I may gag at every couple post that comes up on my Instagram feed, I try to use it as a reminder that there is so much love in this world...It’s a nice break from seeing all the hate and negativity in the world that we see so often.
You can’t look for love. It has to find you. An important lesson I had to learn was to stop searching and just focus on my goals.
I think about how love should be put in everything we do. The small acts to someone we just met can be acts of love. It might not necessarily be to that person, but an act of love because of how joyous you are in life or because you believe we need more love in this world. We do. You can never go wrong doing things out of love. Love doesn’t have to be to a significant other either. It can be shown everyday for people who aren’t in a relationship. To be with family, and supportive friends, or your pet is all love. To feel the warm sun on your back is love. Finding a new plant or beautiful flowers you will dedicate time to so you can help them grow is love. Love can be everywhere if you look at it the right way.
❧
Happy Valentine's Day to those who made it this far. Thank you thank you for taking the time to read – I hope you enjoyed as much as I enjoyed putting it together. And thank you again to anyone who shared about their own love. I hope you feel all the love and warmth and affection from the people in your life today but also every day. And I hope this post has provided some of the same.
All mine,
Kate
Comments