to my younger self,
hi, sweetie. so I know you're going to be disappointed, but I'm not writing from the future because the time machine has finally been invented. I'm actually just sitting in my bed listening to the new harry styles album, feeling full after mom's delicious dinner, and typing my musings as they come to me. I'm profound like that. so take it from me when I say that there are many lessons you've yet to learn, humblings you've yet to take, and proud moments you've yet to celebrate. a lot happens, some of which you hope for, some of which you didn't dare to dream about at the time. you win the second-grade spelling bee with the word ostrich, but you go into full-on panic mode in fourth grade and get yourself eliminated in the first round my spelling lettuce with an s. you text a boy for the first time in 5th grade and do NOT know how to act (you get better). mom lets you get your hair done all fancy for the eighth-grade dance. you have a crush on the same boy for about three and a half years and that is torturous but then you get a boyfriend sophomore year and that's pretty neat. you finally learn how to clasp a necklace without looking. you see shawn mendes perform live and you hate it when he gets together with camila. you take a train into the city with friends to participate in a global climate strike and have never felt more inspired. mom and dad finally give in to your begging and move houses the summer before your junior year. you celebrate when donald trump gets impeached because any kind of traction is progress. you choose a vegetarian diet and never look back. you hop on the bandwagon and join the mom jeans trend. you travel to europe and lots of other bucket list destinations (you do a lot of bucket list things). you read a lot. you realize your incredible knack for controlling the aux. you finally come around to coffee (if not mostly for the pretty designs that come with and are totally photogenic). you make some golden memories with the best friends and most wonderful family a girl could ask for.
you take some hits, too. you fail a physics quiz and you get injured for your sophomore track season. you break up with aforementioned boyfriend and there will be certain friendships you fall out of. you burn scrambled eggs and make the fire alarm go off, waking your entire family. you invest in the silly band fad. you prank call your crush in sixth grade (please do NOT do this). and standing where I am now, there are lots of small tips that maybe could have eased some of the disappointments and speed bumps along the way. although I wouldn't trade anything for the life I've been blessed with and the ways in which I eventually conquered its challenges, what would be the point in reaching out to my younger self if I didn't offer a few nuggets of wisdom?
so please understand that despite the conventional American beauty standards and the constant pressure to conform to a mold, you are worthy of everything good that comes your way. you've been fortunate to have such a good sense of who you are before a lot of kids do. and as you grow more comfortable in your own skin, it becomes easier for others to feel more comfortable around you. the way others perceive you is often different from the way you perceive yourself, and that is out of your hands. all you can ever do is be kind. your capacity to hold compassion is a super power- use it. don't be afraid to be the first to apologize, but never apologize for something that isn't yours to carry. middle school popularity isn't all it's cracked up to be, and any glamor that comes with it is short-lived. don't give yourself over to that artificial shit. don't shy away from opportunity and do NOT back down from what you don't fully understand. there's a lot of that. ask questions and seek the answers. embrace the learning curves. start living more sustainably earlier on. oh, and heads up: you're a nerd. just own it. also, don't be afraid to make the first move. ask a boy to the homecoming dance (he will say yes). send that risky text. put your heart on your sleeve. reach out to that girl and ask her to hang out (new friendships will be made this way). if you're struggling in a class, email your teacher and DON'T BE AFRAID TO ASK FOR HELP (the beauty of this imperative is that it applies not just in the classroom). you were given a sense of direction--follow it.
never reject the color, never overlook the grey, and never miss the forest for the trees. life will throw its curveballs, but you learn how to take 'em like a real pro. you'll struggle. a lot. and know that that's okay, the falling and the struggling. if you can get to a place of believing your encouragers, do. you'll never be able to get to where I am today without your support system, so express your appreciation as often as possible and take for granted as little as possible. learn to laugh at yourself early on. learn to accept criticism with grace, and use it as motivation to show the world what you're made of. somewhere down the road, you are going to begin to censor yourself, to don a mask that muffles your voice and conceals your truth. you'll envy chameleons for the way they so effortlessly blend into their environment. but give yourself permission to breathe. the life you were given and what you've chosen to do with it is beautiful and chaotic and something to be proud of. accept its ebb and flow, because once you learn that change is one of life's constants, you can begin to understand the importance (and relevance) of every moment, from the loud ones to the seemingly insignificant ones.
life is going to pass you by, darling. in both an instant and an infinity. you won't understand it when your perfect itinerary is devastated by whatever life has in store for you. you'll hate that bad things happen to good people. you'll hate it even more when people mistreat people. and there's a part of you that will resent the heartless people who abuse animals. keep doing your best to be what you want the world to be. that little piece of blue sky on an otherwise grey day. because you'll also fall in love. you'll look up at the stars and feel wonderfully small. you'll bask in the softness of a sunset at the dunes. you'll spend a quiet evening with your family and know that wherever they are, you're home. you'll learn to love the look of delight of someone who wants you for who you are. and after all this, you'll feel a little burned out. but you'll keep going. you'll refill. you'll come to understand that the world is bigger and more complicated than you can really comprehend (this will be a life-long struggle). you'll feel the pain of the box collapsing. you'll watch other people falter and you'll do the same. you'll get through it and so will they. you'll make mistakes and you'll hurt people and they'll forgive you but you'll also learn to forgive yourself. second-guessing will become second nature; you'll learn to give more credit to your intuition. you'll learn the healing property of a good laugh. you'll have a conversation with someone it means something to and you'll remember that it matters. life will give you art and handwritten letters and experiences and sometimes you'll appreciate them for the reminders that they are: your life is a miracle. It has been kind to you, even, and perhaps especially, when you struggle to see it at all. for all its madness and frustrations and late nights with your girls and overflowing plates of pasta, life is nothing short of spectacular.
time is a fickle thing, and our poor management of it precedes us. so please, I implore you, get a head start in recognizing time's preciousness so that you can be 17 and getting to places on time and cherishing every moment spent with loved ones. you are so loved and you are held in grace. in the face of whatever is thrown your way, be comforted by the fact that you are growing into a beautiful young woman.
with affection,
kate x
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