❧❧
As teenagers, we are the hosts and hostesses of all the cliché emotions and exaggerated generalizations. We tend to doubt ourselves and pick at our imperfections and compare our worth to that of others. We put our hearts on our sleeves and we fall in love too easily and we live to create memories in the hopes that we can look back on our youth without regret. We live spontaneously and we don't formulate plans very well (present company included heh). We hope things fall into place for us and that we are admitted into good colleges and that we find that special someone to keep us company as we navigate the craziness of life. We live precariously and without regards to the consequences. We feel deeply and we yearn for something just beyond our reach. We want something more for ourselves, even if we aren't quite sure what that is.
A lot of the time, we show others mere glimpses of who we are for fear of disappointing people or losing them to our truths. We tend to base our willingness to share on what parts of us are most likely to be "accepted," but the more you show all of who you are—regardless of what anyone else may think—the more you really live. You alone hold the power to dissolve the barriers within yourself.
Growing up, my ethnicity was always a source of self-consciousness. When I was in fourth grade, a boy would pull back his eyes and he would look at me with a smug grin and laugh. His ignorance and cruelty made me retreat into a part of myself I didn't know was there, and it is a place I plan to never revisit. He made me feel ashamed of who I was, and I resented the part of me that couldn't look like all the other pretty girls in my class. I used to wonder to myself why I had to be like this, why God had chosen to make me Chinese. I used to wonder what was so wrong with having almond-shaped eyes, because I'd always thought that they were kind of pretty. It was only a few years ago that I shifted out of that frame of mind. Since then, I have come to realize that we are not defined by where we come from; rather, we are defined by our hearts, our values, and our dreams. And even more than that, my ethnicity is something to be proud of. God created me in His perfect image, and what could be better than that? I realize, now, that I am so blessed to be who I am in the way that I am. Against all odds, I am here. Writing the ashamed thoughts of a younger me and providing the groundwork so that you may be reminded of your own blessings and your own potential.
"You cannot get through a single day without having an impact on the world around you. What you do makes a difference, and you have to decide what kind of difference you want to make." --Jane Goodall
This life is hard. People are mean. The going gets tough. And we are often our worst critics. So be obnoxiously kind--to those you love, to those you rather dislike. To those who don't deserve it, to all ages, to the planet, to animals. To people who don't like chocolate and to those who cheer for the Sox. To yourself. Be kind even when it requires tremendous effort and you'd rather mope or build barriers.
Every word you speak, every choice you make, and every action you take contains a multitude of effects that ripples farther than the ocean is wide. Just as important, though, understand what affects you. Know what makes you happy and learn how to steer clear of people and places that don't do that for you. It's important to be mindful of others, but don't forget to show yourself some love along the way.
❧❧
I'm currently reading an autobiography: All You Can Ever Know by Nicole Chung. The author's roots are much like mine; she was adopted by adoring parents closely following birth. She was raised in a predominantly white school system in a town with few Asians. She was loved and nurtured, and she was grateful. But here is where our stories diverge. She goes on to talk about how out-of-place she felt growing up, how she wanted desperately to feel fully seen by those around her. How she could never feel beautiful purely for the fact that she would never have blonde hair and blue eyes. Now, I can say without any sense of guilt or apprehension that I, too, would love to know how it feels to sit in a classroom of black-haired, almond shape-eyed peers. I would love to understand what it feels like to be "conventionally beautiful" by our western culture's standards. But I would be lying if I said that I don't love the person I am becoming. Nothing more than life itself has showed me the beauty in diversity, the beauty in myself. And that is mostly personal growth--so good on you, Kate--but it is also thanks to my friends and my family who don't simply overlook who I am and where I come from, but embrace and celebrate it. So thank you to my parents for being the prime model of unconditional love and for celebrating my day of adoption like it is a second birthday (gifts and all!). To my sister for capturing me so well on camera (a difficult feat) and for telling me I am "so" much prettier than she is, even though she is a beauty queen herself. To my dad for being the first guy to tell me that I am beautiful, and to Will for being the first guy to make me believe it (sorry, Dad). To my friends for leaving cute comments on my Instagram posts. To Lizzy Lynn for loving my Chinese middle name so dang much. To my mom who cooks a huge feast for the family on Chinese New Year. To my soccer team for surprising me by decorating my locker on my adoption day freshman year. To the boy in my fourth grade class who broke me open so that I could learn to fill myself. To me, for learning to embrace all that I am.
❧❧
In a world diseased with hatred, being kind is one of the greatest, most powerful things you can be. Life is such a delicate thing, a balance of all that is good and pure and all that is not. It is important to be conscientious of how powerful our words and our actions can be--to be the good in the balance of life. That boy in my fourth grade class didn't know what he was doing, or maybe he did it to be hurtful. I'm not going to dwell. But this part of me, all that I cannot change and that I no longer want to change, has taught me some invaluable lessons. You gotta love on yourself. See the world through fresh eyes each day. Life will try to harden you and it will beat on you. But you hold immense strength and it would be a damn shame to put such a gift to waste.
When the world is cold and it ensnares you in its grip, remember that you have the strength to carry yourself. Above all, lead with love and do not let other people's bitterness cloud your capacity to extend compassion. You move differently when you understand your value. And although you are never "done" learning to love your imperfections (it's never going to be perfect), it is something you get better at.
I am thankful for the life that I've been given and what I have done with it. I am proud of my roots. I hope that I lead with grace and in love, because that is what life has shown me. It is a liberating feeling, loving yourself unconditionally. Especially on the rainy days. And I am beginning to feel that I am there at last, but then again, still never quite.
Comments